Carolyne’s Story: Living with grief
Carolyne’s husband Tony died at the age of 52 after living with multiple sclerosis (MS) for most of his adult life. In her story, she talks about her struggle with grief and how her best friend helped her to keep going.
Tony’s battle with MS
Carolyne says, when Tony went to meet with a neurologist, “they said, ‘I’m surprised you’re still on your feet, and alive!’ He would get up at 4:30am to wash and dress before work, as he was so determined to do it all himself. Everything Tony did was for us. It helps me to think that he was not afraid of death.”
It helps me to think that he was not afraid of death.
However Tony’s MS was progressive, meaning that he eventually became very ill. He was in hospital for just under a year with sepsis and on a ventilator, before recovering enough to be able to go home and live with his family for another two years.
Tony went into hospital again on Christmas Eve 2012 and died just five days later. Carolyne says it was a “terrible experience for me as a nurse, because I know what happens in hospitals at Christmas. There was no consultant available. I should have asked for a specialist but wasn’t thinking straight. I was sleeping overnight in the hospital, and was so exhausted.”
Understanding and experiencing grief
Carolyne recalls how she felt immediately after Tony’s death. “At the time, I was just very shocked and quiet. My sister’s husband died at 52 as well, and she was angry and thumping walls and throwing things around - but I just wanted to sit quietly and be with my daughter. I couldn’t understand why it had happened, why he couldn’t be ventilated. I went back to see doctors a couple of times, but they wouldn’t let me see the notes. I never got my chance to say all these things rationally, as I was too emotional at the time.”
My sister’s husband died at 52 as well, and she was angry and thumping walls and throwing things around - but I just wanted to sit quietly and be with my daughter.
Carolyne explains that despite the length of time that has passed since Tony’s death, “you never leave grief behind. The emotions haven’t really gone away, but outwardly you have to go on with your life. You have to realise there’s nothing you can do to change what’s happened. It’s quite shocking in that way. You just find yourself thinking ‘where have they gone, where are they?’ My friends think I’m doing okay, but that’s just their impression. Deep down inside it’s still there.”
Carolyne continues, “a big part of my grief is for Tony himself. I feel a deep sadness for him, and all he has missed, and will miss in life - like seeing our daughter grow into a lovely young woman, enjoying our retirement together, and just the simple things like a beautiful day, and hearing the birds singing. I have a feeling he was robbed and cheated somehow. It's a difficult emotion and challenging not to be envious of others sometimes.”
I have a feeling he was robbed and cheated somehow. It's a difficult emotion and challenging not to be envious of others sometimes.
The importance of friendship
Asked for what advice she would give to others struggling with their own grief, Carolyne says, “friends are very precious. If you’ve got a good friend then hold onto that. My best friend got me through this. If people haven’t got anyone, don’t leave it, as it’ll just get worse. Take up the offer of services from Sue Ryder if you can.”
Carolyne continues, “if I hadn’t been cajoled by my friend, I never would have got up off the sofa. Talking to people is so important. If you’ve got teenagers or young children, seek out any help or advice available for them too. I don’t really feel I’m the best person to give advice, as I’m still muddling along. Don’t be hard on yourself. If you get a chance for some pleasure, then do it! But expect the emotion to still be there when you get home.”
Related articles
