Christine's Story: Coping with losing your husband

I lost Chris on the 29th February, just before the first lockdown. He had a four year fight with cancer. He went into remission, but unfortunately it then came back. The day before he died, he was only in the hospice for eight and a half hours. I got home after he was admitted, and he’d settled in fine. Then I got a phone call at midnight to say his condition had deteriorated. I got to the hospice, and he died within half an hour of us getting there.

The day of Chris’s funeral was the day the lockdown was announced. I’m lucky to have very good friends and family who I could speak to on the phone. Usually when someone dies you’ve got people around you, but everyone was in a difficult position for different reasons. But good friends dragged me though and said “ring us anytime, even if you want to scream down the phone, or just cry and say nothing. Sometimes when people die, people are afraid to talk about the person - but I love it when people talk about Chris.

I’ve done two marathons before - the second time was thirteen years ago in 2009, and Chris came up and did a marathon of the pubs while he waited for me to finish! When I told Sue Ryder Wheatfields I wanted to be on their team and I was accepted, I thought “I’m never going to do this”. But when I started running I remembered how much I enjoyed it. I just love running, and I love to push myself.

It definitely helps with my grief. There have been times at home where I’ve just screamed. It can be really difficult making decisions on my own about the house, and not having someone to bounce ideas off of. I sort problems out in my head while I’m running, and start talking to myself about everything. I feel so relaxed when I get back.

The marathon was harder than I thought! Even though I did a lot of training, I found it really difficult on the day. I carried a photo of Chris around with me. I took it out of my pocket and said “you didn’t give in, so I’m not going to give in either!” It was very emotional as the last time I did it, Chris was there supporting me. But I don’t give up, and when I make a promise, I do my best to keep it.

I definitely felt Chris’s presence there on the day. I can still hear his voice telling me I’m an idiot for running a marathon at my age. I know he would have been there supporting me, even if he would have tried to convince me not to do it!

It’ll be three years next February since Chris died. What I’ve realised is there’s no time limit on grief. I still have my moments where I get angry about him leaving me, even though I know he didn’t have a choice! I look at his photo, and say “why did you leave me?” I’ve got family support and good friends, but when I’m sitting at home on my own, I’m not afraid to say it does get to me sometimes. I’ll miss Chris for the rest of my life. There’ll be moments when I’ll have a cry, and then give myself a slap and say time to get on with it!

Grief hasn’t taken over my life, but it’s still there, and it’ll always be there. But I can think of Chris now, and smile about the daft things we used to do. We’ve all lost, or all going to lose, someone and it’s about how you process it. It’s something everyone has to go through.