Luke's story: My family's experience of cancer, palliative care and grief

My dad knew it was coming for a long time. He’d already spoken to Sue Ryder Wheatfields Hospice before he went into hospital. He hid it from us for quite a while, but we started noticing little things that he was struggling with, and eventually it came out. I broke down crying in front of my wife, it was very emotional.

He was someone to look up to. There wasn't anything he couldn't do from wallpapering to bricklaying. He did everything by hand. We always had a good relationship, but he’s always been very protective of me. He had this ideology that he’s going to try and beat it. That’s our family philosophy. I had to stick by him with that, even though I knew what was going to happen.

If my dad had opened up about it sooner, we would have come to terms with it quicker, but he didn’t want to be seen as weak. He survived rationing, and living on hand me downs – that’s why he hid it from us.

It was an emotional rollercoaster. He had good days, and bad days, and when he had bad days I had to be there for him and my mum. It took until the last days of his life for my dad to really accept it.

Even though my son only had a few months with him, my dad was able to meet Mark. That's something that I always treasure. My dad was absolutely besotted with him. As soon as he found out we were expecting he was so overjoyed, and that was one of the things that kept him going, wanting to see the birth of his grandson.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer Sue Ryder, they actually put things in place so my dad could come home and we surrounded him as a family. If he was here, my Dad would be very blunt with his Yorkshire terms, “Them Sue Ryder Nurses bloody brilliant lad”. He thought so highly of them.

There was always banter going on with the nurses, but it always put a smiling face and my mum's face. When it came to their moments that a person feel like your dignity is taken away from you, they still kept him as a proud man.

The nurses took so much pressure off us and allowed us to actually spend that quality time with my dad so we could still be side by side and continue those conversations that we'd have.

I didn’t realise how lucky I was at the time. There are a lot of people who don’t have that service. Where would everyone be without the support of charities like Sue Ryder? It’s a scary place to think what the world would be like without them.

Those last conversations are something I’ll always treasure, and I have Sue Ryder to thank for that.

I tried to bottle it up and deal with it, but I always have breaking points. I’ve never really been a talker, I suffer in silence.

It’s only since this journey I’ve had with my dad that the shell has slowly cracked.

When my dad had just passed, I was given some information about grief support. Sue Ryder taught me that it's OK to open up and talk about your feelings at the end of the day, you can make you stronger as well by talking about them. You can, I wouldn't say learn, to control them, but you you learn to deal with them better.

If I see a friend who looks like they're struggling, I’ll ask if they’re okay and be their shoulder to cry on.

Men shouldn’t have that stigma that they have to keep schtum. It’s a generational thing that needs to be broken. It’s a vital thing that people open up about grief and not suffer in silence.

I fundraise for Sue Ryder. I made that promise to my dad. When I first did the Leeds half marathon just after my dad passed, actually, my son, I actually have a photograph of him. That medal over his neck and saying we've earned this as a family, we've earned that for Granddad. We’re doing it for all the loved ones that are in the care right now of Sue Ryder.

I know that my dad will be super proud right now that I'm giving back to Sue Ryder. For everything that they gave him. The love and attention they give to people in their final moments goes above and beyond, and that’s what I’m trying to raise awareness of. I’ll keep doing it every year until my body gives up.

I found a connection with the carers, nurses and the fundraising team at Sue Ryder, and it helped so much that they had a bit of time to talk to me. I’ve always been someone who would never open up, but Sue Ryder has got me to open up.

Luke also shared his story with us in this blog Fathers Day without Dad.