May's Story: Grief and isolation

I had William when I was 16. It was just me and him for a long time until I married and had another son. I never thought I could cope with losing my boy because we were so close.

I have felt very lonely since. My friends and family didn’t know what to say to me. My husband wasn’t William’s dad so even he didn’t know what to say. I have good days and bad now but often the bad days are when I least expect it.

I made a memory box for my son and my granddaughter but I still can’t go through it. I find that what I feel often is, “if only” and “what if?” If only he had been back home, maybe he would still be alive. I feel angry at myself for not going over to the Philippines and bringing him back, but he wanted to be there with his kids.

I have been to visit him and his family hundreds of times but right now, I can’t face going over. My son was always there to pick me up from the airport before.

I’m lucky that William’s wife is still in touch and sends me photos of my grandchildren. I have four grandchildren in the Philippines. The youngest was only six months old when he lost his daddy.

I rely on my husband and a couple of close friends for support. I have had people avoiding me since William’s death, walking across the street because they don’t know what to say to me. It’s like you’re separated from normal life. I just live one day at a time now, I don’t make plans. Everybody thinks I can manage. They think you’re a strong woman because you put on a brave face - but inside you’re crumbling. If you know someone who is in a similar situation, I would say go and see them.

About five months after losing William, I started looking online. I had been to my doctor and been referred for counselling but I wasn’t getting anywhere and there was no support locally. I actually received an email about the Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community and I thought, I’m going to give this a go.

I wrote out my story and it was amazing to hear from the people who got in touch. They gave me a bit of hope. There were people who really understood and people who were a bit further along their journey than me.

Sadly there is always a new story, but it gives me comfort to be able to support others too. I still use the online community and I find it helpful.