Shireen’s story: Loneliness after the death of a parent

People who are grieving deserve to be supported. Those close to them deserve to know how to support them. At Sue Ryder, we believe Grief Deserves Better.

It’s been lonely trying to adjust to a life without my mum. She was the person I would just pick up the phone to every day and she was my main support. Now she is gone it feels like it’s just me and that’s been really hard.

It was always just me and my mum and my sister – always us three. She raised us as a single parent. And after my sister and I had our daughters, my mum became devoted to her granddaughters. She lived quite near me and I would talk to her every day. She was so proud of us all.

After her diagnosis in April 2022 my mum started chemotherapy. Then she had a massive surgery in December 2022 when they tried to remove all the cancer from five places. The following April, they told her that they couldn’t see any cancer in her body, but I found it hard to celebrate it in any way.

My mum turned 60 in August 2023. She had always wanted a big party, so me and my sister were planning one. She just thought she was having dinner with me and my sister and the girls, but she was just so happy that everyone was there. We are lucky that we have some lovely memories and videos from that day.

She was looking more healthy and she was smiling more, her hair was growing back, but she was saying, I’m not feeling well again, so the hospital asked her to go in for more tests.

I was out with the girls having lunch when she called me. She said she was on her way from the hospital, and could I go home because she needed to speak to me. So, I just knew something was wrong. She told me the cancer had come back and they had said she had just a few months.

I felt so blindsided. I didn’t expect things to happen so quickly. I felt like my world had come crashing down. Now I know that anything can happen.

Everything just happened so quickly and then she was gone. In those last months she became so frail. She became weaker and weaker, and I was there every weekend trying to look after her as best I could. My partner Darren was a huge support to me during that time taking time off work and looking after the girls so I could have that time with mum.

Mum died on 18 December. I remember coming home and the Christmas tree was up but just feeling in shock. My best friend came and put milk and bread in the fridge, but I don’t remember much else.

Because everything was about to close for Christmas and I was Mum’s next of kin, I had to make an appointment the next day to register her death, get the death certificate and go to the funeral home. I felt like I didn’t have time to grieve properly. We booked the funeral and then we had two weeks to clean out her apartment and give the keys back. Then I think once the funeral is done, you don’t really hear from anyone.

Mum had tried to plan her funeral and let us know everything that she wanted, even down to the food. Me and my sister and the girls all wore white. It was definitely a hard day and I think I have just kept going since then.

Even though I am so busy during the day I still feel the absence of my mum all the time. When I would just give her a call about something, or she would video call the girls. She was such a support to me. It is definitely hard for me to sleep now. I think I do a lot of my grieving at nighttime and I’ve found certain dates, like the girls’ birthdays, have been so hard without her. December will be my first ever birthday without seeing my mum.