Sunita’s story: Loneliness after the death of a partner

People who are grieving deserve to be able to talk about their pain. Those close to them deserve to know how to support them. At Sue Ryder, we believe Grief Deserves Better.

Tony had taken on a second job delivering prescriptions in March 2022. He didn’t feel ill but he had lost some weight and the pharmacy where he was working had suggested he should get checked out. He went to the hospital and he actually collapsed when he was there.

On the fourth or fifth round of chemo he started losing his hair which was a huge thing for him as a Sikh. Because he was so young he managed to get onto a clinical trial at the Royal Marsden and to start with the tumour was shrinking. We knew that he wasn’t going to get better but I did hope that we would get another Christmas with him.

He lost such a lot of weight, but he was really brave, and he was organising all these things, even his own funeral. We did a big event at the local hall for all his friends and family and made a big dinner.

We were advised to plan a funeral so we went to the funeral director, and we sat in this room, and we were looking at coffins and flowers and we planned all that together. And that was important because he liked things a certain way. We spoke quite openly about it.

Everyone wore blue to his funeral because he was a Tottenham supporter. He wanted the funeral procession to go from the temple with a horse and carriage. He even recorded a speech for his funeral. He spoke about me and the children; he said that South Asian people don’t express their emotions enough and it was important to him to try and change that.

To start with we were talking about Turkey and then we scaled it back to Cornwall, but the doctor thought even Cornwall would be too much, so we ended up going to Center Parcs at Christmastime 2022. It was just myself and Tony and the kids, and then on the last day, his family came and met us which was lovely. He deteriorated after that and he started losing his beard in the February. He was still able to go to London to watch the kids be mascots at Tottenham Hotspurs, but I just don’t know how he did that.

Tony and I sat our two older children down. They knew their daddy had cancer, but we had to tell them the medication wasn’t working anymore and that Tony was going to die. At the time it was just so horrible to have to do that, but I think because we did, they were better prepared for when he did pass away and he was also able to answer their questions and create memory boxes for them.

In the last weeks of his life I was looking after him at home but it was getting really hard, so I called the hospice thinking he would just go in for a week’s respite care, but he never came home. I found the time that Tony was in the hospice really tough. While he was there my son got to a county football final which his team won. They gave my son the trophy and said take it to show your dad. I know that meant such a lot to Tony. He was just really brave and really strong.

After he died, I had to put all the bills in my name within six weeks, it just felt endless. Things started to get on top of me after a few months. The children were all grieving, and I was literally going from bed to bed in the evenings trying to comfort them. I remember I called my family in tears and my brother arrived the next day, all the way from Middlesborough. I called the hospice that had cared for Tony and said I really need to speak to someone, and they arranged for me to have some counselling which was brilliant.

We have videos of Tony reading stories to the children, the children being mascots at Tottenham which meant such a lot to Tony. Even the flashmob he organised for me. We went to London one day and we stopped in the middle of this park and someone started singing, then there was a guitar and then there was a violin, and it was all about us. I loved that because that was just for me and I know I can always go back to that moment.

For me, I can feel alone at someone’s birthday party when all the couples and families are together and all the children are with their mums and dads, that’s when I feel that Tony is not there.

I have felt it at my son’s football games among the other parents, Tony was the one who would go to matches and training. It’s when you have had a bad day and he isn’t there to say, “It’ll be ok babe.” You don’t have that person in your corner.

I’m buying a house, and I sat on the sofa and thought “I’m proud of myself, but Tony should be here with us.” We should be together in that home.

You can even feel lonely in the happy moments when there is good news because he should be celebrating that with me. You realise that life is short and I’m hoping that people will read this and realise there is support out there.

If sharing my story makes a difference, that helps me too. Tony and I were together for 16 years and he was so well loved. He would help anyone, and he had so many friends who have been such a support to me.