Tania's Story: Guilt, Anger and Grief
Tania, 57, was left feeling alone and isolated after her best friend and housemate of 35 years, Maureen, died suddenly and unexpectedly on the night the country went into lockdown. In her story, she talks about how she has struggled to adjust to life without her friend as everyone else gets on with life.
Coming to terms with the end of our friendship
Maureen and I met working for the same agency and we just became friends. I’ve never had another friendship like it.
Although she had ill health, we had no idea she was going to die that day.
Although she had ill health, we had no idea she was going to die that day. She had been a little bit unwell but nothing out of the ordinary so it was a huge shock.
That night has stayed with me. The paramedics all turned up in big white suits because of the coronavirus outbreak which made it feel more like a crime scene. As awful as it was, I’m grateful that Maureen died in her own home with me and the dogs there. If she had been taken to hospital, we wouldn’t have been able to see her.
Maureen was the constant in my life and she would always support me. I’m lucky to have had a friend like that. We had such a lot of laughs together.
Maureen was the constant in my life and she would always support me. I’m lucky to have had a friend like that. We had such a lot of laughs together.
When Maureen became ill with various health issues and had to give up work, I became her carer so we did literally everything together. When I lost her I felt like I’d lost my purpose in life and I felt so lost.
Finding things difficult
Maureen’s son came to help with the funeral arrangements and we made all the phone calls; I think I was on autopilot. We sat there, calling round and getting her affairs in order, but some people were very hard to deal with and not very understanding. I found that very difficult. The other thing that I found hard was receiving a phone call for her from a company that I had forgotten to notify. It’s things like that that throw you.
The day I got Maureen’s ashes returned honestly hit me harder than the funeral. I didn’t expect that, but it really shook me.
The day I got Maureen’s ashes returned honestly hit me harder than the funeral. I didn’t expect that, but it really shook me. I don’t know how I would have coped without the dogs.
Another good friend who helped me after Maureen died also died in October 2020. I felt very isolated and very alone, but life doesn’t stop for anyone. There were people who said they were there if I needed anything, but when I actually asked for help, I found it wasn’t really there.
I understand that people get caught up in their own lives but I found I felt quite angry. I felt like it was just down to me to get on and get through it.
When people ask you if you’re okay, I found they didn’t really want to know. And I know that’s probably because they don’t know how to deal with it. I think that’s what I find hardest to deal with. I just say I’m fine nowadays.
Grief and my emotions
I did start a journal and wrote things down - the good, the bad and the bits in between. I think sometimes just to get it out on paper can help, then when you re-read it, it can make a bit more sense.
I found that I felt guilty, and still do... but I also felt angry at her for leaving me and our dogs
I found that I felt guilty, and still do, but a little less these days. I’d say to myself, ‘Should I have called a doctor? Did I miss something? Should I have helped her more that day, been more attentive?’
I can’t help but feel I let her down when she needed me the most, but I also felt angry at her for leaving me and our dogs. Our German Shepherd, who was Maureen’s therapy dog, was constantly whimpering and crying and our rescue Lurcher looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. Seeing that was hard to deal with and I felt I couldn’t grieve that well myself because of upsetting them.
I was angry with her for a while and the guilt was huge. I spent all those years doing my best to make her happy and look after her, so I felt I really failed her at the end. Thankfully, I now realise I did all I could that morning and it was just her time. We’ve always said that when your number’s up, it doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing - it’s up!
I do still feel lonely at times - I find mornings and evenings are the worst - but our friendship has helped me through. Often, when I come across a stumbling block and I’m not sure what to do without having Maureen to support me, I find that I know what she would have said anyway.