Christmas at the end of life: Advice for families and carers

If someone important to you is facing their last Christmas, we know that you’ll be experiencing some very strong and difficult emotions, as well as practical challenges.

We hope this information, written with the help of our specialist palliative care teams, will help you manage difficult decisions and find some joyful moments.

Listen to the person who is dying

What does the person who is dying want at Christmas time? Not everything they ask will be possible or practical but allowing them time and space to talk honestly is important.

Remember that thinking about what we want, and telling people about it, takes mental energy. And people at the end of their lives might not have much of this.

To help them tell you what they want:

Give them some time and space to decide
Try offering them some options to choose from
Let them know you’d like to talk about it in advance

You may find it helpful to share our information on Preparing for Christmas when you're dying.

Remember the essentials

People who are approaching the end of their lives need lots of essential care. Like washing, feeding, medication, help moving around and more. This won't go away and must still take priority.

Coming home

Making it so people are able to be in their own home at Christmas can mean a lot to someone, if that is what they have asked. It can help them to feel “normal”, be reminded of good times, sit in their favourite chair and be with beloved pets.

If you’re thinking about moving someone from where they are normally cared for make sure you’ll be able to meet their essential needs.

Remember that their energy levels may be much lower than at other times in their life. Even things like background noise and activity can be draining. Strong cooking smells can also be disturbing to someone who is unwell. Think about cooking in advance or serving something like a cold buffet.

Be flexible

What you or the person at the end of their life want, may not always match what is physically possible. Be prepared to change things at the last minute. Try and have a back-up plan if you can.

This might include:

Allowing for more time to rest
Stock up on plain, safe foods
Go back to the hospital or hospice earlier
Note down the contact numbers of medical teams in case you need advice

Make time for connection

This is a tricky balance we know. But if you can, don't just focus on their physical needs. Taking time to connect with those close to your, not just as a carer and patient, is important at this time.

For example,

Looking through old photos
Sharing Christmas memories
Getting some new photos taken
Playing a board game or video game
Watching a favourite film or Christmas TV special
Reading a book

Some people want to make things feel “normal” by bringing a loved one home for Christmas, away from a medical setting. But think about whether being able to talk, laugh, have fun and connect with them might be easier in a place where these essential needs are taken care of by someone else.

The season may be filled with melancholy, but try to focus on the gift that you have the day together.

Jonathon, Hospice at Home, Sue Ryder, Leckhampton Court

Looking after yourself

Anticipatory grief is grief we feel before while someone is still alive, but we know they are going to die.

We know a lot of people feel this very strongly at Christmas. You may be thinking of all the Christmases you will have to spend without them in the future. Or, if you have a difficult relationship, you may be finding it difficult to accept that your relationship will now never get better or be how you want it to be.