Christmas at the end of life: Advice for families and carers

What does the person who is dying want at Christmas time? Not everything they ask will be possible or practical but allowing them time and space to talk honestly is important.

Remember that thinking about what we want, and telling people about it, takes mental energy. And people at the end of their lives might not have much of this.

To help them tell you what they want:

• Give them some time and space to decide
• Try offering them some options to choose from
• Let them know you’d like to talk about it in advance

You may find it helpful to share our information on Preparing for Christmas when you're dying.

People who are approaching the end of their lives need lots of essential care. Like washing, feeding, medication, help moving around and more. This won't go away and must still take priority.

Making it so people are able to be in their own home at Christmas can mean a lot to someone, if that is what they have asked. It can help them to feel “normal”, be reminded of good times, sit in their favourite chair and be with beloved pets.

If you’re thinking about moving someone from where they are normally cared for make sure you’ll be able to meet their essential needs.

Remember that their energy levels may be much lower than at other times in their life. Even things like background noise and activity can be draining. Strong cooking smells can also be disturbing to someone who is unwell.  Think about cooking in advance or serving something like a cold buffet.

What you or the person at the end of their life want, may not always match what is physically possible. Be prepared to change things at the last minute. Try and have a back-up plan if you can.

This might include:

• Allowing for more time to rest
• Stock up on plain, safe foods
• Go back to the hospital or hospice earlier
• Note down the contact numbers of medical teams in case you need advice

This is a tricky balance we know. But if you can, don't just focus on their physical needs. Taking time to connect with those close to you, not just as a carer and patient, is important at this time.

For example,

• Looking through old photos
• Sharing Christmas memories
• Getting some new photos taken
• Playing a board game or video game
• Watching a favourite film or Christmas TV special
• Reading a book

Some people want to make things feel “normal” by bringing a loved one home for Christmas, away from a medical setting. But think about whether being able to talk, laugh, have fun and connect with them might be easier in a place where these essential needs are taken care of by someone else.

Anticipatory grief is grief we feel while someone is still alive, but we know they are going to die.

We know a lot of people feel this very strongly at Christmas. You may be thinking of all the Christmases you will have to spend without them in the future. Or, if you have a difficult relationship, you may be finding it difficult to accept that your relationship will now never get better or be how you want it to be.

Read more about anticipatory grief.