What does grief feel like?

Your feelings will be influenced by many different things, including your relationship with the person, your personality, your values and beliefs, and your circumstances. The important thing is that it is ok to have these feelings and to accept that grieving is a process we all have to learn to live with when someone dies.

These are just a few of the most common reactions bereaved people often have. They may experience many other emotions, and their feelings may change over time.

You might have thought you were prepared, because the person’s death was expected or because you’ve previously lost someone you love. But whatever the circumstances, it is very common to feel an initial sense of shock.

It might feel like you are living in a fog for the first six months or so after the person you care about has died. You may feel numb, or worry because you haven’t cried.

Feeling numb is one of the things that helps us to cope with very intense and distressing emotions. Gradually over time, the sense of numbness will go, and you will start to emerge from the fog.

You may find that the full force of your grief hits you straight away, and you might cry a lot every day. You may have expected to grieve deeply in this way, and accept your feelings. Or you may find these emotions are unexpected. You may even feel angry that you feel this way.

You may feel overwhelmed, and worry that you’re not coping. You may worry that your grief feels so devastating you don’t know how you can live with it. But over time, feelings of grief and loss tend to become less intense, and you begin to find a way to live with them.

You may feel a sense of relief when the person you care about dies - particularly if it has been a long illness, if the person has been suffering, or if you have been the main carer. If you feel like this, you may also feel guilty for feeling relieved.

But relief is a normal response and not something you should feel guilty about. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love and care for them or that you are a bad person.

A bereaved person may regret things they did or didn’t do or say before their loved one died. Sometimes they may blame themselves in some way for the person’s death.

It is very common to feel angry when you are grieving. Your anger might be directed at different subjects.

You might feel angry with circumstances, others or yourself. You might be angry for all of these reasons or for entirely different reasons. These are completely normal feelings.

A loved one’s death can be hugely distressing and painful, making it hard for people to carry on with their normal lives.

People often experience great sadness after someone has died, which can give rise to feelings of depression and hopelessness.

Many people have feelings of anxiety after losing someone close to them. They may feel generally anxious, or worry about the future and how to cope.

It is also completely normal to experience physical symptoms of grief, for example:

• difficulty sleeping
• loss or increase of appetite (e.g. comfort eating)
• headaches
• feeling drained or having no energy
• being prone to picking up minor bugs and illnesses

These are all normal reactions to losing someone close to you. We often tell people they need to look after themselves, but when you are grieving it is really important. Try to treat yourself kindly and give yourself the time, space and care that you need.

All relationships have their difficulties. You may have thought that because you had a difficult relationship with the person, you would grieve less or cope better when they died.

Instead, you may find that you experience an unexpected mix of emotions. There might be some aspects of the person or your relationship with them that you are not sad about losing. But you may still feel upset about losing the positives, or the relationship you could have had.

Your feelings of sadness may be mixed with feelings of anger, guilt, regret and everything in between. All of these emotions are completely normal.

When someone dies, your feelings will be influenced by many different things. This might include your relationship with the person, what happened in the lead up to their death and the support around you.

Your feelings are also likely to be influenced by your personality, your cultural background, and any religious beliefs you might have.

It is important to know that what is normal is different for each person. These are some of the different reactions people have told us they have had. There are many others, and your experience may be different.

The important thing is to accept that is OK to have these feelings. Grieving is a normal, healthy process that we all try to learn to live with when someone we love dies.

As time goes on, you may find it helpful to take a look at Am I Normal?: Common thoughts and feelings in grief.