What is anticipatory grief?

There’s no right or wrong way to feel when you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, and it’s important to remember that all your emotions are valid.

Coming to terms with the fact that someone close to you is going to die can be extremely upsetting and painful, but grieving all those big and little changes to your dreams, responsibilities, routines and more all make anticipatory grief what it is.

This is a common feeling in anticipatory grief, particularly if you are caring for the person who is ill. You might find that you become anxious about their health and how they’re feeling, or worried about how they’ll feel as time passes. This can evolve into a constant worry, a kind of hypervigilance, and you may find that you’re unable to focus on anything else.

Some people can find it difficult to come to terms with what their bereavement will mean for their future. Death can come with many changes, and it’s normal to feel scared about what that means for your life moving forwards.

During anticipatory grief, you may find yourself wishing that you had spent more time with the person who is ill, or said things differently during arguments or misunderstandings. This is really common, but it’s important to remember that you can use the time you have now to be open about how you feel and talk through these regrets together.

You may feel anger towards the situation and question why it’s happening to you. This can sometimes evolve into anger for those around you, if you feel as if they aren’t supporting you enough, or perhaps even anger for the person who’s ill, as you try to process why they can’t go on and continue to be a part of your life.

This is another common feeling to experience during anticipatory grief, as it is normal for people to feel extremely helpless during this time. You may be concerned that you should be doing more to support the person who’s ill, or you may feel responsible for their emotions and how they’re feeling day-to-day. Although it can be a really tough time, try to remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do.

All of the above emotions can be extremely draining, especially if you are experiencing them over many days or weeks, or if you have to manage them alongside your caring responsibilities too.

For example, you might feel like there’s no time for yourself to rest or recharge your batteries during the day. This can then affect the quality of your sleep if you use the quiet of the night to do your thinking or processing. As a result, you might find that you end up feeling tired and not rested the next morning, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.

It can be hard to find people who understand how you’re feeling when you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, and so it’s not unusual to feel isolated or lonely during this time.

These feelings can be heightened if your relationship with the person who is ill is affected by their deteriorating health, as you may not be able to interact or communicate in the same way.

If their illness also affects other parts of your life, such as your finances or your access to transport, you might also find that you can’t connect with others in the same way as before. This might mean that you have to go without holidays, meals out or leisure activities, perhaps because you can’t get there or you can’t afford it.

While this can be really difficult to come to terms with, it’s also common to start to view your own needs as secondary to the person who’s ill. Although accepting that things may have to change is part of anticipatory grief, it’s still important to try and find ways to prioritise yourself too.

Once you have been told someone is going to die, it can almost feel like you have to carry on with your life while waiting for it to happen. You may find that you try to imagine what it will be like, or how it will feel, but it’s important to recognise that this is just a way to try and mentally prepare yourself for your bereavement.

It can be really hard not to feel hope during anticipatory grief, particularly if the person close to you has continued to live with their illness for a long time. This might cause you to long for more time together, but being realistic about what’s going to happen is necessary for you to come to terms with their death.

If you’re struggling with how you’re feeling during anticipatory grief, try to talk to someone you trust. This could be a family member, friend or even a GP or counsellor. Sharing your emotions and opening up about your worries can help them find new and useful ways to support you, in a way that is sensitive to what you’re feeling and going through.

Our Online Bereavement Community is a place you can talk to others about what happens when a loved one is dying.

The NHS also carry out carer’s assessments for people who spend time caring for someone else. This is free for anyone over the age of 18, and can help you to identify things that might make your experience easier. Alternatively, your local carer support service may also have specific resources or advice that you might find useful.

If you’ve found ways to cope with anticipatory grief, you might find that they are also useful after your bereavement when you are trying to process what has happened.

However, it is also common for grief to feel completely different to anticipatory grief, and so you may need to take some time to understand this new journey. We’ve got lots of information to support you during this time, including advice about how to cope with grief.