Loneliness after a bereavement

Loneliness is thought of as a feeling of being on your own. But it’s often not that simple.

If you're feeling lonely, it could be because you don't have as many relationships as you’d like, but it could also be that you don't have the kinds of relationships you’d like.

For example:

• You may have a big family, but find it hard to talk to them.
• You may know a lot of people, but not have much in common with them.
• You might have a few really good friends, but you don’t feel part of a community.

You can feel lonely, even when you’re with lots of people. It is different from solitude, which is something you choose.

Grief is a normal human response to loss. We often use it to describe the thoughts and feelings that follow the death of someone important to us. That’s the sort of feeling we’re talking about on this page.

See our information on What is grief and bereavement?

It is really normal to feel lonely if someone important to you has died. A survey done by Sue Ryder as part of our Grief Deserves Better campaign found that 88% of people feel alone in their grief.

Sometimes we begin to feel lonely because of the death of someone close to us or the changes in our lives that follow.

If we already feel lonely before a bereavement happens, this can make grief harder to deal with. The two feed into each other.

We also know that once we start feeling lonely, we might start to withdraw, which can make us feel worse.

Some common causes of loneliness are described below. You may recognise one or more of them in your own experience. Or you may feel lonely for a completely different reason.

People who have lost someone very close to them, like a partner or a parent, might be more likely to feel lonely as they are so used to spending lots of their time together.

You may not feel you can talk to the people around you about how you feel. Either because you cannot find the words to tell them about it, or because they are not responding in a way that you find helpful or comforting.

This feeling is more common for people who are grieving relationships that those around them don’t understand or recognise as important. For example, the death of a family member they do not see, a pet, an affair partner or a public figure.

The person who has died may have been at the middle of your family or social group. Maybe they organised family get togethers. Or they were your connection to other family members or friends. Without them, you are struggling to stay connected, or know what you mean to each other.

The death of someone close to you can mean changes in many areas of your life, like your daily routine and your living situation. If you're living in a different place or going different places, it may be harder for you to stay in contact with people you used to be friendly with.

The difficult thoughts and feelings that come with grief can make it hard to be around people. You may withdraw, hide away, cancel plans.

It might sound like a contradiction, but you can want to be alone, without wanting to be lonely. Sometimes having time alone to relax, reflect and re-energise can be a good thing, but striking the right balance is important.

Someone important to us dying can make us see ourselves, or the world differently. Relationships that you’ve had for years may suddenly feel not as meaningful or comforting. For example fun, social friends don’t know how to give you emotional support. Or you might not feel able to ask them for it.

Just as loneliness can make grief harder, a sense of belonging and social connection can help us feel better.

When we are with others, even if we're just around strangers, like in a café or public place, our brains make oxytocin. This is a chemical in our bodies that helps us feel calm.

Feeling less lonely for you might be about doing things differently, or it might be a process of starting to feel and think in a different way. For most people it will be a mixture of both.

It is important to be kind to yourself, but we know this isn’t easy. Just when we need it most, reaching out for support and friendship can feel impossible. But start with something simple.

For example:

• Say hello to a neighbour or someone in your local shop.
• Walk past somewhere you’d like to attend a class or volunteer.
• Ask someone a question about a new activity you’re interested in (even if you know the answer).

It’s important to remember that this isn’t about how other people react to you. It’s about you doing one or more of the following:

• Building your confidence to try something new.
• Finding out what brings you comfort and meaning.
• Exploring what you’re interested in.

After a bereavement, friends and family can often feel worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and causing you more pain. This can mean they contact you less or not check on you as much as you might need. By trying to protect your feelings, they actually do the opposite of what many of us need when we’re grieving.

We know it’s not easy, and at first it might feel impossible to be around other people. But if you can, keep on going out. See people, stay in touch with friends and family. And be honest about how you feel with them. Over weeks, months and years, this could protect you from the loneliness feeling harder and harder to overcome. And feeling less lonely could also make your grief a little easier to manage.

We offer information to help people understand how they can support people close to them who are grieving.

If you feel that people around you don’t understand your grief, speaking to others who are grieving may be helpful. See our information on grief support groups. You can also join our Online Bereavement Community.

It may be that friends and family just need a little help understanding what grief is really like. You may like to share our information on How to support someone who is grieving, or one of our Grief Kind classes.

When we’re grieving, an activity where the focus is on doing something useful or creative can feel a bit easier to manage than a face-to-face conversation. You may also find that volunteering gives you a renewed or greater sense of purpose and self-worth.

Take a look at Sue Ryder’s volunteering hub or looks for see NCVO’s information on volunteering.

Loneliness isn’t always about what's happening around us. Sometimes, it’s really about how we feel inside. Counselling or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help people think about themselves in a more positive way and provide tools to challenge unhelpful thoughts.

Examples of unhelpful thoughts:

• “I have nothing interesting to say”
• “Most people have bad intentions”
• “I’ll never feel better, so there’s no use trying”

Read more about talking therapies and counselling on the NHS website. Or take a look at Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Counselling.

Across the world, including here in the UK, cultures have always had traditional rituals and practices for grief. And for good reason. Researchers have found that friends, family and communities coming together to share sadness and celebrate the lives of people who have died, helps people feeling less lonely. And this in turn helps them cope with grief.

Many people can’t be as involved with those traditions as they’d like, for example if they have moved away from their community or are busy with work. And some people don’t want or feel able to be part of the family or culture they were born into because of difficult or complicated relationships.

So it may be helpful to try and think of some new rituals or traditions you can do, to remember the person who has died and helps you connect with others.

Take a look at our Ways to remember someone who has died on Grief Guide for ideas. Or look out for activities that are already happening, such as Sue Ryder’s Celebrate a Life events (December) or Sue Ryder’s Memory Trees (anytime).

Some people find it helpful to look for ways of keeping the person who has died feeling close. This could be through objects, talking to them or visiting where they are buried.

You might do this for a little while, as you get used to life without them, or you might always do it.

There is no set timeline to grief. For many of us, it never goes away completely. If you find something that helps you and brings you comfort, that’s ok.

Sometimes we can feel that we should be able to quickly move-on, get on with daily life and get back to ‘normal’. We may feel we should be able to manage our grief on our own. But it is human to need each other.