What to say to someone who is grieving

Throughout this article you'll see suggestions from members of our Online Bereavement Community who used their own experience to share ideas of what to say and what not to say to someone who is grieving.

When someone is grieving, it’s important to acknowledge what has happened and express your sympathy. This can be as brief as saying:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss”
• “I heard about your dad, I’m so sorry”.

If you knew the person who has died, you could also share a memory or say what they meant to you.

To share a memory, say something like:

• “I remember your mum’s brilliant speech at your wedding”,
• “I’ll miss your grandad's wonderful sense of humour”.

Many bereaved people say it helps to be able to speak freely about how they’re feeling. gives them a chance to talk about it if they want to. 

If you know the person quite well, you could ask them directly about their grief. Let them know you’re happy to listen to any feelings they want to share.

To offer space to talk say:

• “How are you doing?”
• “Would you like to talk about it?”

People who are grieving can experience a huge range of emotions, including shock, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, anxiety and numbness. Their feelings will be unique to them and their relationship with the person who has died.

If they do talk to you about their grief, be open to whatever emotions they are experiencing. Let them know that however they feel is OK – there is no “right” way to grieve.

Try saying:

• "However you're feeling is ok."
• "I'm here for you with this pain, however bad it gets."

When someone is going through a bereavement, you may want to take their pain away.

Although this isn’t possible, acknowledging this can help them feel heard and supported.

Say something like:

• “I’m sorry I can’t make things better.”
• “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you.”
• “I’m sorry things are so tough right now.”
• "I can see that you're in pain."

You may want to help but not know how. Ask the bereaved person if there is anything they need, and let them know you’re ready to support them. If they seem unsure, you could suggest specific things, such as cooking them a meal or doing their shopping.

Try asking:

• "Is there anything you need?"
• "Would you like me to cook you a meal?"
• "Is there any shopping you need?"

Sending someone who is grieving a message to say you’re thinking of them will show them they don’t have to cope alone. You may not be able to change what they are going through, but knowing you care could give them some comfort.

Say

• "I've been thinking of you."

When you are with a bereaved person, take your cue from them in terms of how much they want to talk. It may be that just spending time quietly alongside someone can help them cope with their grief.

You may have experienced a loss in the past and feel you understand what someone is going through, but everyone experiences grief differently.

Give the bereaved person the space to tell you how they are feeling, and avoid saying things like.

Don't say:

• “You must be feeling...”
• "I know just how you feel, my granddad died too."

It can be tempting to try and make someone who is grieving feel better. That’s why, if someone has died after a long illness, people might say things like, “It was for the best”, or “She’s at peace now”. When someone dies in old age, they may say, “At least he had a long life”. 

Statements like these aren’t always helpful. The bereaved person might not feel the same way or may not find it comforting, and they could resent being told what to think. 

Don't say:

• “It was for the best.”
• “She’s at peace now.”
• “At least he had a long life.” 

When someone is first bereaved, they may not be able to imagine a future without the person who has died. They might worry about their memories fading, and find the idea of “moving on” or “getting over it” very upsetting.

People often say “time is a healer”, but bereavement isn’t about healing so much as finding ways to live with grief.

Don't say:

• "Time is a healer."
• "You'll get over it."
• "You're young enough to get married again."
• "You'll meet someone else."

Most people find ways to cope with their grief and feel better over time. But setting a specific timeframe can make them feel they are failing if things don’t improve.

In reality, the grieving process is different for everyone and it can take years.

Avoid saying things like:

• “It took my uncle two years to recover after my aunt died.”
• "The first year is the hardest, then things get easier."

A bereaved person may not believe in God, or may not agree with your interpretation. If they do believe, they may even feel God has taken their loved one, and be angry.

When it comes to religion, be guided by things the bereaved person says and only mention it if it feels appropriate.

Avoid saying things like:

• “He’s in a better place now.”
• “It was God’s will.”

This below video, filmed with our bereavement experts, was filmed as part of our Grief Kind campaign, which aims to help people support their family and friends who are grieving. 

They give advice on what to say, and what not to say, to someone who has been bereaved and is grieving. And they also discuss why listening is so important when you're talking to someone who is coping with the death of someone cloes to them. Crucially, they also cover what you should do if you feel like you've messed up and said the wrong thing.